Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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