Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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