You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
