I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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