I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
