You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
