How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
