he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
