The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
