I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
party gras won. party gras always wins.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
