She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just cut my nipple shaving
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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