if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
