I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
