Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
