I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
