Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Holy shit dude........stairs
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