Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
even my farts smell like vagina
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
