I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
