I can tuck mytits in my pants
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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