Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
