I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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