It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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