Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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