I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
