She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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