My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
