maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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