What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You left your phone here
Wait...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
