fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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