i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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