I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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