I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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