Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
