I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
