She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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