If i come over, it means nothing
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
