you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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