I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
