Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
