wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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