If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
