literally had 100 drinks last night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
