You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
