I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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