I'm so fucking centered right now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
