Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You are the jesus of drinking
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
