Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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