Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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