Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
