So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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