so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
