Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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