I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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