Dude my mom stole all your condoms
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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