could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
