Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
